No BS. No Fridge Magnets. No Such Thing as a Bad Question.
HOMEROOM
A Weekly Advice Column from the BREL team
November 7, 2024
Dear HOMEROOM,
My brother-in-law wants to move into our newly finished basement. My wife is on board with the idea, and we technically have the space (there is a bedroom, a 3-piece bathroom, and a family room down there).
I feel anxious just thinking about how much it would impact our privacy and intimacy. What can I say to convince her this is a terrible idea?
– Three’s Not Company
The answer to this week’s HOMEROOM is thanks to Allie Rempel – Marketing Maven, Globe Trotter, and Horror Fan.
Dear Three’s Not Company,
Hmm, they say charity begins at home, but you might be a saint if you let your brother-in-law share your family home without first discussing the pros and cons of a new setup.
I don’t know enough about your relationship with your wife and her relationship with her family to give you a fast, easy answer. However, I can guide you through the tough conversations you and your wife need to have before this plan goes any further. You and your wife must set some ground rules if you’re doing this. This will not work unless all parties are on the same page.
Here are my thoughts on what you should consider and discuss with your wife before you make a decision.
The Non-Negotiables
- How long will this arrangement last?
- Is he planning on paying rent? What about utilities? If you add another adult to your household, you will feel the impact on your water and electric bills, not to mention your internet usage.
- How will this arrangement be documented? You need to familiarize yourself with the laws affecting Ontario’s residential tenants and landlords. If everything goes to hell, then you will need an out. This looks very different depending on whether or not he is considered to be a “tenant” or a “boarder” under the Residential Tenancies Act (see “5. Exceptions from the Act”). I can’t make this distinction for you with my limited information. When in doubt, seek legal advice.
Boundaries, Expectations, and Lifestyle
- Will he expect you to cook his meals for him and/or eat together upstairs? What about the possibility of him eating your favourite yogurts (or, god forbid, beers) out of the fridge? In short, groceries are extra costly at the moment. Who is bearing the cost of keeping him fed?
- Smells: what happens if you start smelling pot drifting up in your kid’s room? Or vice versa – what if you want to indulge indoors and he doesn’t want you to?
- What about noise? Video games, practicing with his guitar (I’m picturing you listening to him struggle for hours to nail the guitar solo from “Live Forever”), loud guests, yelling at the refs during Leafs games, etc. It goes the other way, too. Is he cool with your kids being their stompy selves?
- What about visitors? He’s an adult, but is expecting him to follow a curfew reasonable? Also, there is the question of overnight guests and whether or not you (and your kids) will be sharing awkward breakfasts with them.
- Will he clean the basement and take out his garbage? Hopefully, he’s not expecting you or your sister to do it. There is also the issue of laundry. Do you need to enter his space to toss your towels into the dryer?
- Do you like walking around in your undies and eating ice cream when you get home? He may come up at that time every day to make his protein shake, which disturbs your chill time. Will you have a system that he will follow before he joins you upstairs?
The Tough Ones
- Do you and your wife have a good enough relationship to manage this together and not let any issues with your new roommate get between you? Are you on the same team or doing this begrudgingly to help her family?
- What is the dynamic between brother and sister? How about the dynamic between your family and your in-laws in general? Do you want this to be reflected in your everyday life?
- It’s a newly finished basement, and you’ve not even had a chance to enjoy it yet! I assume you did the renovation for a reason, and it didn’t involve your brother-in-law. Will you be able to keep your feelings/jealousy at bay if this turns into a long-term arrangement?
I’m not making this easy for you, but you must all be grownups here. You shouldn’t consider this arrangement if you can’t have the tough conversations now. I don’t think I’m being too overdramatic when I say your marriage could be on the line.
Whatever decision you make, blood is thicker than water, but is it the right thing for your family? Selfishness is also okay when it comes to your castle. Alternatively, if you will be doing this to help him, set those boundaries early and review them often. Communication is key!
Cheers,
Allie
No BS. No Fridge Magnets. No Such Thing as a Bad Question.
HOMEROOM delivers straightforward advice and guidance from the BREL team. We’re using our deep real estate knowledge and experience to answer your burning questions.
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